Internal Family Systems (IFS)

One part of you tells you to eat salad, while another craves cookies

Have you ever listened to the debate happening inside your head? One part shouting “eat healthy” while another whispers, “but you deserve some cookies”? This isn’t weakness or self-sabotage—it’s a sign that your inner system is trying to keep you safe.

IFS recognises that we’re made up of parts, each with their own voice, story, and way of helping you. They’re not bad. In fact, they’re trying to help… just in extreme ways.

Let's flesh out the sides of a common internal battle: salad or cookies?

The Manager: "Control = Safety"

Manager parts proactively help you to avoid pain by helping you to look and be good. 

The Healthy Eating manager is organized, disciplined, and always five steps ahead. It makes grocery lists, counts macros, plans workouts, and has strong opinions about what you should and should not eat. Because to this part, looking good means being accepted, loved, and never criticised again.

It often uses shame as motivation:

“You know better.”
“You’re going to regret that piece of cake.”
“Do you really want to look like that again?”

Believe it or not, this part is not trying to hurt you. In fact, it’s working hard to protect you from ever feeling the pain of rejection or ridicule again. It believes that self-criticism will motivate you to stick to your body goals, so that deep down you don't feel more shame. 

The Firefighter: “Make it stop.”

Firefighter parts storm in when things feel overwhelming, out of control, or just too much. 

Firefighters don't care how expensive your painting is, or how long it took you to design your kitchen.  Their jobs are simply to put out the fire. 

Internal firefighter parts work hard to put out the fire of pain when old wounds are triggered—a comment, a mirror, the jeans not zipping up. The Cookie Monster firefighter takes pain away by mindlessly eating the cookies... and the cake...  and chips... and donuts. This part helps by numbing, soothing, and distracting.

Firefighters are often linked to addictive patterns—like over-eating, alcohol, drugs, or compulsive shopping, scrolling or sex—because they are desperate to numb out unbearable pain.

The Exile: “I still carry this.”

An exile is an "inner child": a younger part, pushed out of memory, that still holds the original wound. 

Underneath this Healthy Eating Manager and Cookie Monster Firefighter tug-of-war, there's a young child part that felt ashamed for having a certain body type, being teased for how they looked, or made to feel “too much” or “not enough.” This part carries the raw emotion of shame, grief, loneliness, and often, a believe that he or she caused the bad thing to happen. 

And both the Manager and Firefighter work tirelessly to keep this young Exile from being felt in the present day. They just use opposite strategies.

The Internal Battle

This is where it gets loud inside.

The Healthy Eating Manager shames you for eating. The Cookie Monster Firefighter rebels and eats more. The Exile gets re-wounded. And around and around it goes.

You might hear:

Healthy Eating Manager: You really shouldn’t eat that. You’ve been doing so well. If you keep this up, you’ll look better, which will make people like you more.

Cookie Monster Firefighter: You're so stressed from diligently counting macros all day, and cookies will take the stress away.

Healthy Eating Manager: But you’ll regret it! Remember how out of control and guilty you felt last time after eating all the cookies?

Cookie Monster Firefighter: It was worth it to get a break. Eat the cookies and you'll get a break from the shaming voice, even if it doesn't last very long.

Exile: I just feel so bad inside. Like I’m not good enough, no matter what I eat or don’t eat. I feel ugly… and alone.

None of these Parts are bad; they’re just in pain and trying to keep you from feeling it again. And believe it or not, they each have gifts and wisdom—once they’re freed from the extreme roles they’ve been stuck in.

What Heals It All? You. (The Real You.)

At the core of every person is Self—a wise, mature, calm, curious, compassionate presence.

Self doesn’t yell, panic, or shame. It listens. It leads. When Self is in the lead, the parts soften and don’t have to work so hard. They can let go of their burdens—like shame, fear, and false beliefs—and step into new roles:

• The Manager becomes a wise planner, not a perfectionist.

• The Firefighter becomes playful, creative, and spontaneous.

• The Exile becomes connected, cared for, and free.

As you become more Self-wise, you feel more peace. Less chaos. More ease. The war inside quiets down.

What IFS Offers

IFS isn’t about silencing your cravings or fixing your “bad habits.” It’s about getting to know the parts of you that are trying to protect your most tender wounds—and helping them find a new way to be. Because when your inner world feels safe, supported, and seen—everything else starts to shift.